Shrek — Muffin Man & Magic Mirror

Every line in this pack

The full script, so you know what you are getting into before you press record.

1. 00:00GINGERBREAD MAN*drowning sounds*
2. 00:03LORD FARQUAADThat's enough! He's ready to talk.
3. 00:06GINGERBREAD MAN*choking and coughing*
4. 00:10LORD FARQUAAD*laughing*
5. 00:15LORD FARQUAADAHEM!
6. 00:19LORD FARQUAADRun run run, as fast as you can, you can't catch me, I'm the gingerbread man!
7. 00:25GINGERBREAD MANYou're a monster!
8. 00:27LORD FARQUAADI'm not a monster here - you are!
9. 00:29LORD FARQUAADYou and the rest of that fairytale trash poisoning my perfect world.
10. 00:34LORD FARQUAADNow tell me, WHERE ARE THE OTHERS?
11. 00:35GINGERBREAD MANEAT ME! *spits*
12. 00:36LORD FARQUAADNARGH!
13. 00:38LORD FARQUAADI've tried to be fair to you creatures, now my patience has REACHED ITS END! Tell me or I'll...!
14. 00:44GINGERBREAD MANNOOO, not the buttons...not my gumdrop ...buttons.
15. 00:48LORD FARQUAADALRIGHT THEN, who's hiding them?
16. 00:50GINGERBREAD MANOkay, I'll tell you...do you know the muffin man?
17. 00:55LORD FARQUAADThe muffin man?
18. 00:56GINGERBREAD MANThe muffin man
19. 00:57LORD FARQUAADYes...I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?
20. 01:01GINGERBREAD MANWell, she's married to the muffin man.
21. 01:04LORD FARQUAADThe muffin man?!
22. 01:05GINGERBREAD MANTHE MUFFIN MAN!
23. 01:07LORD FARQUAADShe's married to the muffin man...
24. 01:09LORD FARQUAAD*gasp*
25. 01:09GINGERBREAD MAN*gasp*
26. 01:10GUARDMy lord! We found it.
27. 01:12LORD FARQUAADThen what are you waiting for? Bring it in.
28. 01:15GUARD*grunting*
29. 01:26GUARD*gasping in awe*
30. 01:27GINGERBREAD MAN*gasping in awe*
31. 01:29LORD FARQUAADMagic mirror...
32. 01:31GINGERBREAD MANDon't tell him anything! NOOO!
33. 01:33LORD FARQUAAD*grunts*
34. 01:35GINGERBREAD MANOwww!
35. 01:37LORD FARQUAADEvening...Mirror, mirror on the wall, is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?
36. 01:45MIRRORWell, technically you're not a king.
37. 01:48LORD FARQUAADUh, Thelonius.
38. 01:51LORD FARQUAADYou were saying?
39. 01:52MIRRORWhat I mean is uh...you're not a king yet, ha!
40. 01:54MIRRORBut-But you can become one. All you have to do is marry a princess.
41. 01:59LORD FARQUAADGo on...
42. 02:00MIRRORHa...SO, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And hereee they are!
43. 02:13MIRRORBachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella!
44. 02:27MIRRORBachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snooow White!
45. 02:41MIRRORAnd last, but certainly not least, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina coladas and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona!
46. 02:58MIRRORSo, will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three?
47. 03:04GUARDTwo! Two! Three! Three! Two! Two! Three!
48. 03:05LORD FARQUAAD*mumbling*
49. 03:08LORD FARQUAADThree? One? NNGH Three?
50. 03:10THELONIUSThree! Pick number three, my lord!
51. 03:12LORD FARQUAADO-Okay, okay, uh...number three!
52. 03:16MIRRORLord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.
53. 03:20GUARD*cheering*
54. 03:24THELONIUS*laughing and clapping*
55. 03:25LORD FARQUAADPrincess...Fiona. She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go...
56. 03:32MIRRORBut I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.
57. 03:35LORD FARQUAADI'll do it!
58. 03:36MIRRORYes, but after sunset...
59. 03:37LORD FARQUAADSILENCE! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have... the perfect king!
60. 03:37MIRROR*gasps*
61. 03:46LORD FARQUAADCaptain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament!